Day 1 of 28 days to a new lifestyle.

Disclaimer: i am not a health instructor, clearly, or a dietician.  These are my thoughts and my thoughts only on what has and has not worked for me. I admire people of all shapes and sizes and while I love food -it could be a hobby lol- I have to think about my heart first. This is my own personal journey to a healthier heart, body and mind.

Growing up my mom kept a fierce eye on everything I ate, drank, whatever….I was born with a congenital heart disease (Tetralogy of Fallot), but even now, being overweight, I have managed to dodge health bullets and my heart is ticking away healthily and happily, but I don’t want to push my luck either.  I see a cardiologist every six months and he keeps close tabs on me.  Inevitably I will have to have my pulmonary valve replaced, but that is only because the current one that was crushed at birth is reconstructed, and reconstruction only lasts so long.

I have struggled for years with the typical weight yo-yo, lose, gain more, lose some, gain even more, lose more self-esteem, can’t own the self-confidence because your emotional skin is thinner than you would like it to be, etc.  I am a certified emotional eater and while I might catch flack for comparing it to deadlier addictions, in some ways emotional eating as an addiction can be deadly, but because it is food, it doesn’t get a lot of attention.  Emotional eating is also an excuse.  “I got this big because I was sad, or angry, or etc…. but I can handle it…tomorrow.” and so on, and so on.  I get it, I am there now, and now I am ready to end the cycle, not for anyone else, not to be “thin and pretty”, but for me, because i want to live a long time.  You can be handsome or pretty at any size, it’s called confidence. I’m learning that one too.

Every Monday was a new week, and that Monday would pass and nothing.  Finally last night, while laying in bed, I decided I need to take control.  My depression is in check and being handled just fine, but now emotional eating has become more of a habit, then something that fed me emotionally. I am fine now, I feel great, but I catch myself eating like I am going to starve to death in two days, when that is not even remotely close.  It’s like some weird fear took over, as if my brain is going into self-preservation mode, and I am tired of it. Seriously tired of it.

At my last Cardiologist appointment last week, my doctor cleared me for bariatric surgery.  At first I was thinking, great woooo!  Now I am thinking wait, I let it get that bad?  Holy crap.  I really don’t want surgery, because while it should be used as a weightloss tool and not a be all, end all, I want to learn the right habits and create a healthy lifestyle without being forced into it.  So I am giving myself 28 days to lay down some serious habits.

Over the next 28 days I will be blogging and checking in, as well as vlogging and posting that to YouTube.  I am going to do my best not to cheat, which will be hard with comic con coming up next week, and eating on the run is an art during that time, but I have tossed the gauntlet and accepted the challenge.

I’m not trying to create a new me, I am happy with the me now. It took me awhile to get there, but after a lot of hard work and self exploring, both painful, heartbreaking and eventually elating, I have come to terms with who I am, the experiences I have had, and how they made me who I am today, a strong, and according to people I know, awesome woman.

There is always an excuse to eat something in excess, but the point of this exercise is to put back the “comfort foods” once eaten as a treat right back into that category of “treats” and not a daily happen, and also to gain a better perspective on what I want for my life and how I can make it healthier and not depend on food to get me through a mood, or a rough event.

I had a stone laying around, so I wrote on it “You got this” on one side, and a heart on the other. It’s my “release the weight” rock now. A gratitude rock, if you will, that I can keep on me to remind me what I am doing. The rock weighs 5.3 ounces, and I am far too many of these stones.  When I get to day 28, I will tell you how many stones I started out at and how many I finished at.

I’m not going to lie, I am terrified of failing, I worried I won’t succeed, I am angry at myself for letting it get this bad, and this is the first time I have ever felt the first two (terror and worry, and for me that’s a good, honest and true feeling that will drive me).  I am doing this for me now, and no one else. For my health and no one else’s….and I am going out on the limb and saying that this time, I WILL SUCCEED.

As you know I write on the “fly” as it comes to me, so stay Tuned for tomorrow….even I wonder what it will be about. 😉

YouTube.Com – Short video to start – Day 1 of 28 <– you can see my rock here at the end of the video. (i’m still learning this vlogging thing, so excuse the weird angles….lol!).

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